


Death Becomes Him

by auntylala



Series: Season Two Cannon [8]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 09:42:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7569298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auntylala/pseuds/auntylala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Jack knows - even the dead don't always stay that way. How will the team react now Owen is something other than alive, and what does Martha make of it all. </p><p>In the cannon this moves around episodes 6 and 7, season 2. In my world this follows A Eulogy for Adam. Contains references to Jack's absence from TW (between seasons 1 and 2).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death Becomes Him

Martha handed the glass back to Jack as they sat at his desk. 'Is it always this crazy around here?'  
He shrugged. 'It has been a bit crazy last few days, there was this one time, with a garden gnome.'  
'Jack!'  
'True story, it bit Gwen, I never did ask if she has any scars. I think Ianto might object if I asked to look at her butt just to check it out.'  
'A garden gnome bit Gwen on the butt?'  
He nodded. 'Have you settled into the hotel?'  
'Yes, since it looks like I'm sticking around for a few days, look, can I buy you dinner, or do you have plans with Ianto?'  
'I always have plans for Ianto, you should join us.'  
'Jack...'   
He grinned at the warning in her tone. 'For dinner.'

'So, Ianto?'  
Jack nodded. 'When we got back from the year that never was, I’d been gone nine months.'  
'But I got back -.'  
He nodded. 'Yeah, you got back to when you left, give or take a few minutes I didn't.'  
'That doesn't make sense.'  
'Trust me, I didn't enjoy the experience. I've been making up for it ever since.'  
'You were such a flirt while we were, away.'  
'What, you've never realized what you had until it wasn't there?'

Martha nodded. 'Okay, yes I've experienced that, but I fixed it.'  
'And how is he? Your Tom.'  
She grinned. 'He doesn't always understand what I do but he's wonderful.'  
'What was it like? You knew him but he'd never met you, I mean we fixed everything so it never happened.'  
'I don't think about it Jack, and lets face it, after travelling with the Doctor for any length of time things stop having to make sense. Or I stopped trying to make them make sense. It does your head in if you let it.'  
'Yeah, it does. So, dinner?'  
'Do you need to check with Ianto?'  
He nodded. 'Probably.'  
'So domesticated Jack, not like the man I knew when the world was ending. You didn't talk about the people you'd left behind.'  
'No, but I came back for them.'  
'For Ianto?'

Jack looked sheepish before shaking his head, there was no point lying to Martha, they'd survived too much for half truths. 'Not exactly, but that was before I knew what I'd come back for.'  
'Well.'  
'Not one of my finer moments, it caused a few issues, so if you could get me one of those caps...'   
Martha rolled her eyes. 'I told you before Jack, get your own uniforms.'  
He snorted. 'You've met this lot, they'd never go for it.'  
'What are you going to do about Owen?'  
'Not much I can do. You run your tests, we make sure he isn't a danger to us all and see what happens after that.'  
'That glove -'  
'No, it's gone, they both are, and that's where they should stay.'  
'You should have told UNIT.'  
'We've had this conversation.'  
'You don't trust UNIT all that much do you Jack.'  
'Probably about as much as other mutual acquaintances we could mention but don't.'  
'Point taken. Why don't you go and see what Ianto's doing so I can buy the two of you dinner.'

Jack smiled as he headed out into the Hub to look for his archivist. 

\----------

Ianto faded into the darkness at the edge of the light as he watched Jack and Martha reminiscing. He wasn't really sure why he was even here, was Jack showing him off? Was he trying to prove what a crap time he'd had being held in chains for a year while those he'd chosen to leave behind were left wondering what had happened to him? Oh Martha got back to where she'd left, but Jack had been dumped home nine months later. He sighed softly, he didn't know why he was feeling so maudlin. Things were going really well between them, now. They seemed to have gotten over the rocky patch where he'd wanted to murder the man, and Gwen. 

It was Tosh he felt for now, her and Owen had been finally getting it together and he went and got shot. That wasn't going to end well. But at least she'd finally said she loved him. He couldn't even do that and he shared Jack's bed. When they got near one, and every other surface in the Hub they could find, preferably with a door that locked. He didn't resent Martha being there, it was him Jack was playing footsie with under the table. 

Jack looked at Ianto, the man was clearly tired, for all the coffee he'd pumped into them over the last two days, it had been a long and emotionally fraught time. He had tried to send Ianto off to get some sleep the night before but he'd refused. Now he just looked like he wanted to crawl into his bed for a week and sleep. He understood that, but until they knew what was happening with Owen there could be no week spent in bed. He'd have to take him away for a few days, when things calmed down. Show him some of the other things they could do in a hotel room. He could think of a few things now they could do with his tie when they did get back to a bed but he suspected that would have to wait until they'd gotten a few hours sleep. 

Sometimes he wondered what their life might have been like if they didn't work for Torchwood, if they had met under other circumstances. Would they have fallen in love, even if neither of them were admitting any such thing. What would they be doing if they didn't work for Torchwood, and having worked for Torchwood, could he walk away? Ianto he suspected probably could. But also knew Torchwood had been a part of his life for so long he wasn't sure he could leave it behind. So where did that leave them? Ianto was working in a job that was going to kill him, it was more of a matter of when, not if. And he suddenly found himself hating that idea. 

He wanted Ianto safe but he couldn't keep him safe, it was his dilemma and he didn't know what he was going to do about it. So maybe he did spend a great deal of his time making love with Ianto. It was in part so he could hold that much of Ianto to him for longer than whatever moment they were granted together in this life. The death of Owen, as screwed up as it was with the glove bringing him back, was just another reminder of the impermanence of Ianto's world. And like he'd said to Owen in the police cell, when you know you have forever you forget to notice the flecks in the walls. He wondered when he'd stopped seeing the beauty of the world around him. He wondered what else he was taking for granted.

Martha finished her glass of wine in silence as she watched Jack drift away, possibly joining Ianto in whatever private space he'd already retreated to. She looked at the two men and found it reassuring that Jack was capable of love. She'd seen him flirt his way though the world they'd shared but never knew what he'd been leaving behind. He hadn't talked about Cardiff and Torchwood when it had been her, the Doctor and Jack. She felt she understood a little of why, now she could see him looking at Ianto. And she missed Tom. To be away for nine months when she'd been returned back into her own time, that was difficult to comprehend. 

She hadn't had to explain where she'd been, hadn't missed exams or her sister's birthday. She had gotten home in time. Sometimes, like now, she missed him, wondered if he was happy and had found another companion to run with. But such thoughts lay in madness and she’d seen enough of that for a lifetime. 'Well boys, I think it's time I find a pillow with my name on it.'  
Jack just smiled as he nodded. 'We should probably think about doing the same thing.' He started to reach for his wallet when Martha shook her head.  
'No Jack, UNIT are paying for this.'  
'And yet you wont get me one of those red caps.'  
'I wouldn't rule it out entirely.'  
Jack looked to Ianto. 'So, are we going back to the Hub or the flat?'  
'The flat's closer.'  
Jack grinned. 'You look ready for bed young man.'  
'I think my eyes are agreeing with you.'  
'Well I'm not reading you a bedtime story but I might tuck you in if you ask nicely.'

Martha laughed softly at them, Jack was as incorrigible as ever but they were a sweet couple. Although she wasn't sure he'd thank her for the observation.  
Ianto turned to her. 'Do you want us to drop you at your hotel?'  
She shook her head. 'I'm okay to walk, it's that hotel.' Pointing to the building across the street. She did however let them walk her to the lobby before waving them off and heading to her room. It had been a long two days, she wanted to call Tom and forget about the world for a while.

\----------

Ianto dropped his keys in the bowl on the hall table as Jack followed him inside. He stood there looking blank as he debated did he sit down, take a shower or just fall into bed. He wanted a shower but the effort required outweighed his ability to make a decision. He felt Jack wrap his arms around him and just hold him. It was everything he needed in that moment. No demands, no words, just a hug.

Jack felt Ianto relaxing against him, it had been a mad few days even by Torchwood standards. He was still appalled at the moralization needed to justify deaths of a few while trying to extract the reset properties from the alien mayfly. He had lived long enough to know there were times when one had to make the bitter choice to sacrifice the one to save the many, but it was never supposed to be easy. Copley made it sound like there had been no choice to make, that it was not only the obvious thing to do but government sanctioned. He objected to the man's methods and to the torture of aliens. Study them yes, extract the components sure, but don't torture them and don't cover it up with murder. 

Then there was that damned glove. Ianto said there was going to be a second glove, now Owen was stuck in some dead but animated state of being. And he owed a favour, he wasn't sure which unknown was worse. God help them all if Ianto had been the one killed by Copley, he would have torn the man apart. He chose not to explore that thought further as he held Ianto and made no demands on the Welshman, not after the madness of the last two days. Although a tiny thought had crept into his mind and the more he considered it the more it grew into a fully fledged plan. He grinned. 'We still have bubble bath?.'  
Ianto nodded. 'I think so.'  
'Good, I think we both need to unwind a little.'  
'Jack.' Ianto warned. 'Mrs Robinson still hasn't forgiven me for last time we took a bath and flooded her flat.'  
'We had too much water in the tub that time, besides I think we are both too tired for anything other than just a bath.'  
'There is that.' He let Jack lead him to the bathroom, their clothes left where they fell.

Ianto watched Jack tip bubble bath into the tub, glad he'd let Jack renovate the bathroom as his   
birthday present. It hadn't seemed very romantic at the time but the bathtub they had replaced had been too small for two. Looking back, apart from the few times they had flooded the basement flat downstairs, it had been a brilliant idea. Although perhaps they should have gotten the deeper tub. He might have avoided a few terse conversations with Mrs Robinson if they had. Jack seemed to avoid the woman or he just flirted his way out of a stern talking too, which he suspected was more likely. 

Jack looked back at Ianto, he'd only half filled the tub and even lit scented candles to round out their bath as they slid into the hot water. Apparently he'd managed to get it just right this time.  
Ianto lay back and closed his eyes, for someone who didn't do relationships Jack was quite the romantic. The last two days drifted away on rose and lavender scented dreams as he relaxed in the hot water. If he was going to fall he'd just have to let Jack catch him.

Jack watched Ianto as he let the heat from the bath seep into his bones, it helped push the chill of Owen's death aside. If only he'd been the one to be shot, Owen would still be alive. For the briefest of moments it hadn't been Owen he'd seen fall to the ground. He let such thoughts evaporate along with the bubbles as the water grew cool and the candles faded. 

\----------

Ianto wasn't sure which was the dream, the sensation of flying or falling. He opened his eyes and wondered what Jack's Cheshire Cat smile as about this time. He gave up trying to puzzle out the fading dream as he felt Jack waiting for him to catch up somewhere. That somewhere involved lube and leisurely, sleepy sex as they waited for the alarm to remind them they should be awake.

Jack eased Ianto awake before sliding deep inside him. They had fallen asleep as soon as heads had hit pillows, wrapped in each others arms as bodies demanded sleep more than sex. He'd woken from a dreamless sleep ready to greet the day. Bringing both himself and Ianto to a climatic start of what was likely to be another long and trying day. He didn't want to think about anything other than the way it felt to slide his cock in and out of Ianto. Sleepy sex was always his favourite way to start any day. Ianto's soft cries meeting his in the early morning light were more than enough to spur him into olympic efforts in the pursuit of pleasure. 

He slipped into one of his favourite moves, one he knew would drive Ianto wild. He started with short strokes slipping only the head of his cock in and out followed up with a long, deep stroke. Repeating the shorter thrusts until sliding in for the slow languid, balls deep strokes that made Ianto moan. With Ianto panting beneath him in a quivering puddle of pleasure.

Ianto cried out as he came, his arms wrapped around Jack, the alarm reminding them of the day waiting for them at the Hub. Bringing them back to the reality of a world where Owen's death was still real. He wondered if Jack would let him just stay where he was. Judging by the kiss on the forehead apparently not. He let go before heading to the bathroom for a shower. He just hoped today was going to be a bit better than yesterday. Owen might not be his favourite person but he didn't deserve to be stuck like he was. And it was time to see what today would bring.

\----------

Ianto handed Jack his coffee. Why are you so bent on getting Martha to get me a red cap?'  
'Red's your colour.'  
'Really. And where exactly do you think I'll wear it?'  
'I thought we could start in the bedroom.'  
Ianto shook his head as he moved away, he knew he shouldn't ask but he still did. He turned back as he stood in the doorway, feeling forever trapped in the space between rooms even if only metaphorically. Wondering if it might be like this for Owen now too, only he was stuck halfway between fully dead and just only dead. He wasn’t sure he was ready to examine where he was stuck. 'You haven't forgotten about Christmas, Sir.'  
'Oh yes.' Jack's eyes lit up. 'You promised me anything except other people if I make you work this Christmas, I haven't forgotten.'  
'Tofu Jack.'

He grinned at how serious Ianto looked. 'Don't worry, I definitely need you here Christmas.'  
'Good, thank you, it's just, we can't be at the flat. Mam or Rhi are liable to just pop over. So I can't be there, not even hiding under the bed.'  
Jack frowned, did that mean Ianto didn't want them to know about him. They were living together, he'd renovated the bathroom. 'Um Ianto, tonight, when everyone else has gone home, I think I need to ask you about something.'  
'They don't know Jack. I don't know how to tell them, that's your question isn't it.'  
He shook his head. 'Not quite but it does answer it all the same.'  
'Fantastic, no need to chat about it then.'  
'Ianto.'  
‘Jack.'

'No, nothing.' He knew no good could come of pushing Ianto right now. This was how too many angry words had been exchanged and arguments started. Sometimes he missed the sweet shy Ianto Jones he'd first fallen in love with. He didn't know that he always recognized this Ianto. He also knew he didn't know what the rules were either. He was Ianto's boss, bringing him home to met the family at Christmas was a big deal. And Ianto was very private concerning his family. Not that Ianto had been the only one, he'd hardly been forthcoming himself. Something he would have to deal with, just not today and Christmas was still a few weeks away. 

So he drank his coffee and waited for the day to unfold, wondering what it would bring. Wondering what was happening to Owen, what Martha would find. He didn't want to think about what it would be like not to be able to taste Ianto's coffee, to no longer feel someone brushing against his body. To be fragile, like a butterfly's wings, moving, still existing despite death. Lost. 

Jack sighed, he didn't want that to be him and Ianto, he'd tried to tell Ianto how much the Welshman meant to him. The words had abandoned him so he renovated a bathroom instead. He was also considering installing a better kitchen in the Hub for Ianto. Candlelit baths and kinky sex he could do, but chasing those three little words made him freeze up. Which usually led them straight into an argument filled with frustration and irony. Irony because he knew if he could just say it they wouldn't end up fighting at all.

\----------

Ianto wondered what Jack had been about to say when he'd said 'nothing'. It hadn't started sounding like nothing. He sighed, sometimes he didn't know if he was coming or going with Jack, well. He knew when he was coming, it was everything else he didn't understand. Did it matter if he didn't know how to tell his family about Jack. They were his family, that was all and Jack was even more evasive, for all he knew Jack had a dozen children out there on the edges of Cardiff. But it all paled in comparison to what Owen was dealing with. 

Those gloves were evil, pure and simple. No wonder they had been thrown away, unless it had been   
deliberate to toss them into the rift, to be found. He shook his head, such thoughts were not designed to lead to pleasant conclusions. He looked at Tosh, why had Jack called her in so early, insisting she be at the Hub. He kept his face blank as he carried his tray back to the kitchen. Maybe Jack had done it to keep her busy. He smiled for a moment as he thought of some of the ways Jack liked to keep him busy.

\----------

Martha checked her results before looking around the autopsy room, the flavour of the last few days one of surreal irony as the very dead but very human Doctor Owen Harper was running on a treadmill. She wasn't sure what Jack wanted her to find, Owen was an unknown, an actual genuine zombie minus the haz-chem warnings and the craving for brains. And she wasn't finding anything that justified locking him up. She could review her test results six ways until Sunday it wouldn't change the findings. Owen was one hundred percent human, dead, but human. All she could do now was hand her results over and head home to Tom.

\----------

Ianto watched Owen walking into the conference room with a tray of coffees, that was his tray, it was his coffee machine, and if Owen broke it. He stopped at that thought, he could hardly threaten to shoot the man, he was already dead. Jack was so getting decaf for this, and forget about the chocolate biscuits. He was going to be lucky if he got the broken ginger nuts from the bottom of the tin at this rate. The whole world was upside down. 

Gwen was taking the lead on the bizarre energy spikes at the home of Henry Parker. Owen was making coffee, and he was shagging Jack. He thought about what Owen had said, wondering what he'd meant by having finally won. Won what? An all expenses paid holiday to Antarctica? All the tofu he could eat? He already had doubt and uncertainty by the truck load. So what if he had Jack, Owen could have had Tosh if he'd bothered looking. The number of times the woman had practically thrown herself at the man, it was like pouring petrol on the barbecue and wondering why you had no eyebrows left.

He just hoped Jack knew what he was doing, giving Gwen the case, he hadn't seen her when she took charge while he was away. She was one of those people who if you gave them an inch they were moving their toothbrush into your flat. Not unlike Jack himself he mused. Still, he had his own toothbrush here. Although they all did as a rule, but not for the same reason. God help any of them if it was the same reason or Owen wouldn't be the only corpse Jack was dealing with. And there were no more gloves to bring anyone back this time.

\-----------

Tosh felt like she was watching the world move as she stood still. Her world had crumpled, she was being pushed down hill in a car with no breaks. Standing still while the world rushed past her in a blur of muddy colours. Standing in a vacuum screaming but there was no sound. Nothing. She was frozen between heartbeats, frozen in time. Like Owen. She sat in her silence staring at the wall, every hope and expectation gone in that frozen space between heartbeats. She'd finally found the courage to ask him out, he'd even said yes. And now, everything was gone like a popped balloon forgotten and broken.

\----------

Gwen checked her phone, there was no message from Rhys to say Banana Boat was back in the country. She was going to kill him if he cocked her wedding up because of his scams. She knew she should feel bad for Owen, and she did, but he'd made it pretty clear when Jack had first brought him back that she wasn't the one he'd wanted to say goodbye to. And she did understand that, really. She was marrying Rhys, she loved Rhys, but she wanted Owen to want to say goodbye to her too. 

She shook her head, she had a case to manage and a wedding to organize. The seating plans were   
doing her head in. She wondered if Ianto might help, he was such a whiz with all things administrative, a really helpful unit. She could even forgive him for the decaf while Jack had been away. Jack. Ianto was still a bit, touchy, about that, about the whole Jack thing, there were times she was sure she could fell him looking at her. 

She did wonder what it would be like to be kissed, properly kissed by Captain Jack Harkness. His lips looked so soft, so giving, and his hands, he had such fine fingers that looked like they could make a woman sing. She closed her eyes a moment as she considered what that would feel like. She jumped as her phone began to ring, it was Rhys. 'Oh hello love, yes I was just thinking about you.' 

\-----------

Ianto could hear Gwen's voice trail off as she moved though the Hub. He'd seen that look on the woman's face a number of times now, and always in connection with Jack. He hoped Rhys was happy marrying her, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Still, as long as she kept her hands off Jack she could look all she liked. If she ever actually tried anything she'd be waking up in a mental hospital drugged so full of retcon she wouldn't know her own name. 

Jack was a flirt, Ianto suspected that was never going to change. He just hoped he didn't push the man into stepping over the line from flirting to doing. He'd felt the beginnings of a fight and he didn't want to argue with Jack. Sometimes he wanted to run away with him and pretend the world didn't need saving, but he never liked fighting. Although the angry make up sex was pretty amazing. It was the emotional roller coasters he could do without. He wondered if he should talk to Tosh, he had his own idea of what it was like to loose the man you loved. Except unlike Owen, when Jack died, he kept coming back. He looked up and saw Jack watching him. 

Jack smiled, he wasn't stupid, Ianto wasn't happy he'd suggested Owen could make coffee. The man loved that coffee machine. Although Owen seemed, under supervision, to manage to make coffee for them, it wasn't the same. Ianto was still in a bit of a mood with him. He hadn't been happy about his retrieving the glove in the first place. Least of all from church full of weevils, he wondered in hindsight if he should have minimized that detail. And he wasn't sure how he felt about Ianto not telling his family about their relationship. 

Jack sighed softly, they hadn't exactly had a conversation about it themselves, so what was Ianto going to say. “Mum, Morris, I'm shagging my boss...” Hadn't he had this conversation with himself before? So he leaned in a doorway, watched Ianto and smiled at the man. 'Do you think we can get everyone to bugger off early so I can have you to myself?' Watching Ianto walk towards him. He loved the slight swing of the his hips as he moved, not to mention the hips themselves. And the red tie. 

'You're wearing a red tie.'  
'Jack, I'm wearing the tie you picked out.'  
He shrugged. 'I know.' He reached out to Ianto and pulled him into his arms. 'I like you in red. Maybe later you can wear it in bed for me.'  
'Anything else you want me to wear at the time? Sir.'  
Jack whispered in his ear. 'Just me Ianto, just me.'

'Do I need to remind you, everything has gone just a little bit mad around here even by Torchwood standards. Owen is dead but is still vertical. Martha has stepped out of her life in UNIT to help you out by running tests on him. She has a boyfriend to go home to by the way. Gwen is planning a case and running her wedding and Owen is making my coffee. And Tosh, well I don't know if she's what I'd call coping, Sir. And you want to have sex with me wearing a tie.'

'Well not right now, and not when you sum it all up like that. I know things are a bit mental around here. It could be argued, Ianto Jones, that things are always a bit mad in the Hub.' He pulled back. 'I don't really know what to do about Owen, he seems all right, Tosh seems to be adjusting. Gwen needs to be kept busy, so does Owen.' He ran a hand though his hair. 'You are the only one I can let my guard down around Ianto, and sometimes I don't know what's happening. I lo-.'  
'Jack.' Gwen rushed into the room waving her cell phone. 'Rhys called, Banana Boat has been, oh. I'm not interrupting am I?'  
Jack sighed as he closed his eyes before looking at Gwen. 'If I said yes?' He saw the confusion in her eyes and shook his head. 'I'm assuming Rhys called to tell you that Banana Boat is going to be back in the country in time for your wedding.'  
'Well, yes.'  
'Fantastic, now go home and see your fiancé.'  
'Martha also said she's ready to head home, so I was also coming to find you, so you could say goodbye.'  
Jack sighed softly. 'Of course I want to say goodbye.' 

Ianto trailed after Jack, he'd wanted him to finish what he was saying, needed him to finish what he was saying. Hope had grown that Jack was actually going to say 'I love you.' And Gwen had interrupted them, just as well it was for something important like a Welshman being in Wales for a wedding. He'd have hated it if she'd interrupted anything important like Jack actually admitting his feelings. He sighed softly, he had no idea what Jack had been about to say, only the vague hope the man had found the courage to say the one thing he himself had been terrified of saying first. He wondered what it would take for them to finally tell each other how they felt. 

This thing with Owen had shaken him, the total impermanence of life wasn't new but that death should be just as impermanent was. They had lost team members before and even brought one back for a while. He had his own ideas of what it might be like to be stuck like Owen was now. It was like his father's cancer diagnosis, they'd been told it was terminal but not when. He sometimes wished he'd been able to say goodbye to his dad but like saying I love you to Jack, words failed him. So once more he was on the outside looking in. His nose pressed up against the glass of someone else’s life, his only legacy fingerprints that someone else would wipe away. What would his epitaph be he wondered as he followed Jack.

\----------

Martha run up to Tom and leaped into his arms.  
'You missed me then.'  
'God yes, you know I love you right.'  
'Then move in with me Martha Jones. Come on, while I'm cooking you dinner you can fill me in on all the madness.'  
Martha sighed. Where did she even start, did she tell him about giant alien parasites or resurrection gloves that brought a person back from the dead. Was it really being brought back if you were still dead, being brought back implied no longer was. Owen was still dead, his broken fingers were never going to heal, he was never going to heal. For all the mad things she had seen, that was still going to be difficult to top. 

And for all the madness of the last few days it had been good to see Jack again, to met the people he'd gone back for. And Ianto. Which reminded her, she should probably get him one of those red caps Jack wanted. They seemed so together. Who knew Jack Harkness was capable of falling in love. She smiled at her Tom, he was her safe place and she was glad to be home. So she'd move in with him and maybe one day she could tell him about some of her adventures, even the insane ones involving the giant bugs. Torchwood, a nice place to visit but she wouldn't want to work there.

\----------

Owen looked out at Cardiff, at the lights spread out before him like a reflection of stars in a pool of water. Maggie looked up and waved a sad little wave before she too disappeared from his life. Could he claim her life as saved he wondered, was she alive because he existed? This was never the life he'd expected to live and knowing there was only blackness once he ran out of energy, well. He'd thought he might at least be reunited with Katie in death, in some fluffy here after filled with butterflies and clouds and choirs of angels. 

No pearly gates awaited him, no tunnel of light filled with loved ones waiting to bring him home. He had meant what he'd said, the living shouldn't know. He hadn't even seen his life flashing before his eyes in the moments before his death. Pain, fear, denial but no highlights of the life half lived. Not even a drunken montage of blurry sex. 

He'd lived an extraordinary life, seen things others could only dream of. He'd met aliens and even saved the world a couple of times, so why had he died. Why had Katie died and Dianne left him. Why had he ignored Tosh. The arrogance of his assumptions that he had time enough for Tosh mocking him in his living death. They'd been as broken as each other, it would have been perfect. Except he'd lacked the courage to wrap himself up in her and now he'd never smell the faint orchard scent of her perfume. He could only see the pain she tried to hide when he looked at her now. He'd spent so long pushing her away when he could have been memorizing the feel of her skin against his or the smell of her hair. He'd lost himself and he'd lost her. He was cursed. 

And now he'd also upset Ianto, touching his coffee machine, he didn't want to make coffee. He'd almost grown to like the man and he'd gone and referred to his relationship with Jack as being just a shag. Last time he'd done that Ianto had shot him, and given him decaf. Seems this was the one time being dead was an advantage, there wasn't anything left for Ianto to do to him. He could see things between Jack and Ianto were more than just a shag. He just hoped they figured it out before it was too late. He'd left it too late with Tosh and now he'd never know if he could have been happy loving her back. Hating knowing he'd broken her heart and that no matter what he said or did now, it was never going to heal. Like him. She might grieve and let him go but he'd still broken her heart and it destroyed him all over again. 

He turned his back on the city spread out below him, no longer able to enjoy signs of lives being lived around him. He hoped he'd done good in his life because he wasn't enjoying his death. Maybe his life didn't have to flash before his eyes, he'd certainly reflected on his past in the last few days. Enough to know he lived the best life he thought he could but in doing so he'd lost his heart along the way. Replacing hope with regret and love with bitterness as it had spilled out into his life and poisoned him. Death and despair his only bedfellows now. And since he couldn't sleep it was going to be a long night.


End file.
